At least make sure they are 18
Why
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
