Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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