He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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