Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
