She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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