I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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