The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
