At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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