Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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