Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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