between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
