i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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