You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
