i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
