dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
