when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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