he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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