When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
