i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the condom got lost in my hair
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
