are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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