I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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