bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
