i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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