I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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