i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just pee around me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
