So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
