god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
