meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
