Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
