I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
