Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
