I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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