I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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