Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
