i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
