I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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