ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
