I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize