I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
