I like to think it a success when the cops are called
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
