I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
