White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dicks are not precious.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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