i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
