You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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