well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
