it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
