I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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