the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
