I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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