I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
