Sry I called you an 8
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
