You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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