I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
