I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize