i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
