It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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