I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
