i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
