Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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