glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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