well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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