he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
