right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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