mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
